We all have a bad day sometimes and I’m having one right this moment. It’s probably just the rainy weather and my period kicking in, but today I feel like I’m nothing more than a clump of cells, a combination of genes, and a machinery of hormones trying to make it all work. It makes me sad to think that my neutrons, electrons and proteins are just the same as everyone else’s. Don’t we all want to feel special every now and then? Reality is that we are all, in fact, nothing more than a collection of cells and genes, with hormones running full hours to keep them functioning. But we shouldn’t let that fact get us down, we should embrace it! Genes give us life and create proteins that build our bodies. And if it wasn’t for hormones we wouldn’t be able to sleep, get hungry, digest food, absorb nutrients, and take a dump the next day. Just to mention a few. 

But I also believe that genes and hormones can work against us, and that they might be the main drivers behind the chaos that we’ve created on this planet. It starts with the selfish gene, as Richard Dawkins describes it. He pretty much states that we are no more than biochemical machineries designed to pass on genes to the next generation. Because it takes sex to keep genes going, we produce hormones that make us all behave like desperate, horny beasts. Men are programmed to spread their sperm generously, because they produce endless supplies of it and suffer few consequences, whereas woman are rather picky on who to share their egg cells with, as only a limited amount is produced and lots of energy is required to see it through. It’s only fair that ladies try to keep the legs closed until they find a suitable sperm donor who is willing to stick around for the next 15 years, which is about the time it takes to raise a child to independency. It would surely take some load of their shoulders. 

In the animal kingdom, genes normally don’t require that much time and dedicated effort to be passed on. Most animals let go of their sprout from the day they are born or after no more than a year, after which the parents shamelessly continue humping around to produce yet another generation. When less time and energy is invested in care-taking, parents have the luxury to pick bed-partners not based on parental quality, but rather on their genetic toolkit. Mate choice is based on maximizing reproductive success, which can best be achieved by genetic recombination. Animals are well aware of this, and seek out mates that are most genetically distinct simply by sniffing their body odour. Humans were able to do the same, before the invention of deodorant and washing machines. Nevertheless, ladies still seem to like the bad boys, probably because they carry the crazy genes. 

Not all animals can pick up each other’s genetic assemblage that easily, which means the ladies have to be a bit more creative. They tend to make males work much harder to prove that they hold the very best sperm. Males are often bigger and more colourful, and will sing, dance, bring food, build nests or shake their assets in an effort to turn the ladies on. This so-called sexual selection has occasionally pushed males in the animal kingdom so far that they can hardly support their antlers or extensive feathers anymore. Such accessories substantially decrease the fitness of the appealing males as well, by making them more vulnerable to predation or starvation for instance. Some males will even fight till death to prove ladies their worth. Because if you die young, it’ll be worth it as long as you got lucky right? 

Realizing this, the behaviour of men makes total sense. Men have genes, which are selfish and demand to be passed on. Sleep-overs are the only way to achieve this, which is why they act so desperately to get our attention (evolution has clearly not caught up with condoms yet). Desperate acts for affection, however, rarely work to convince the other half to spend the night together. Because ladies are rather picky, they feel no remorse when crushing the feelings of one man after another. Only few accept the pity card or take one for the team. For one night perhaps, but for actual reproduction they rather choose a man who is strong, confident, successful, and does shit for them that they’re capable but unwilling of doing themselves. 

Now, the problem that arises at this phase is that not all women are stingy with their egg cells. Another concern is that some men have mistaken the ladies’ need for good genes with the need for domination. These men use brutal force, power, or money as a means to spread their genes, sometimes against the will of the ladies involved. The modern trend seems to be that wealthy instead of genetically suitable men get to reproduce, as the need for money now outweighs the need for protection against bears. Mr McCartney seems to have gotten it all wrong: money does buy you love. And ever since women started to like men that focus on power and money instead of sexy bodies and parental skills, we have ruined our planet with fast cars, sky scrapers and machine guns. The disasters we see around us are all the fault of dominant genes, hormones and erections; it’s that simple. 

This trend has also obscured the purpose of evolution, as some men with unsuitable genes get to reproduce excessively. That weak men get to spread their sperm hasn’t been doing us much of a favour, and genetic deterioration is now visibly occurring in most societies. Some people can only see through thick glasses, chew on food after years of braces, or face the light of day with severe sunblock. I too have to maintain myself with asthma medication to keep my lungs functioning and steroid cream to hold my skin together. I think it’s the genetic deterioration. Perhaps it’s time that us ladies get together and fight the selfish genes that drive some men to be so sexually desperate and obsessively materialistic. Because money doesn’t relate to strong genes at all, we should rather focus on getting good jobs ourselves. Following, we solely have to spend our energy on handsome men with lots of brain cells who do nice things for us. If we all embrace contraception until we find the perfect sperm donor, this world would be a better place.