My boyfriend is irritated with me today because apparently I’m being grumpy. He claims that I’m acting irritable because I didn’t sleep enough last night. Well who’s fault do you think that is mister “snores a lot?” Mister “kicks more in his sleep than a flipping Kong Fu fighter?” He’s just grasping at straws because he knows I’ve been irritated with him for the past three years. It’s like my brother, who said I was irritating as a child just because he clearly irritated me throughout the full duration of my childhood. Let alone my neighbour, who’s been irritating me on purpose just so he could accuse me of it. My colleagues even said that I shouldn’t be so annoyed about little things. Well then stop handing me over little things to feel annoyed about, now isn’t it? And it’s not just people, it’s my squeaking door, dripping tap, and noisy fridge too. Are they doing it on purpose or what? I’m so irritated! 

Once I’m irritated with a person, there seems to be no turning back. The problem is that I can’t just replace a person like a fridge. If my house mate irritates me, I have no other option but to move out. Moving between places all the time is also very irritating, but what can I do? If my dog irritates me, I‘m left with no other choice but to drop him at the shelter. People might judge me for it, but what can I do? If my colleague asks me how I’m doing every morning, I’m practically forced to start working from home. I might lose my job over it, but what can I do? Work functions, Christmas dinners, baby showers: my life would be so much easier without. Am I right into saying it’s their fault for being so irritating, or is everyone else right into saying that it’s my fault for being so irritable? Looking at the facts, I think the others have a point… it might be me. I hate it when other people are right, it’s so irritating. 

So apparently, a lack of sleep is a likely cause of me being so irritable. But I dumped my boyfriend months ago already, so it’s clearly something else. Another comment thrown in my direction was that I’m so irritated because I feel people are overstepping my boundaries. Well no shit Sherlock, you just accused me of being irritable. How’s that not overstepping any boundaries, for crying out load! I need something better. It’s been brought to my attention that I might feel irritated because people expect more from me than I’m capable of offering… people constantly asking for favours, conversations, my presence, and so on. So first of all, I’m not uncapable but unwilling, and second of all, doesn’t everyone suffer from naggings like that? Total bullocks, next please. Another suggestion was that I’m so irritable because I’m not good at dealing with people. Are you kidding me? Don’t you think I’m bad with people because they’re impossible to deal with? Ask yourself who came first, the chicken or the egg, you irritating dumb ass. The latest theory I’ve heard is that I might suffer from perfectionism… because I like things to be perfect, I struggle to accept the world around me. See, now that’s something I can agree to. 

It makes total sense to me that I’m irritated because I have to constantly deal with mediocrity, whereas I desire nothing but perfectionism. Next dilemma is, how can I solve that problem? It’s plain simple: I have to replace everything below my standard with something that meets my standard. I got rid of my boyfriend already, so the next obvious step would be to start dating Leonardi di Caprio. I’ve also already told my housemate that I’m moving out, which means I’ll have to move in with my lover Leo. Seeing the house he lives in, the neighbour problem will be solved and there shall be no more squeaking doors for me. Next problem: I can’t stand my colleagues, so I better quit my job and start living off Leo’s income. I’m also irritated with the few friends who are still willing to put up with me, so I better cut them off. It won’t be much of a problem when I’m surrounded by Hollywood stars. My friends say that they’ve only put up with me because I used to be nice, and because they hoped they could help me find my inner-peace again. They also say that people in Hollywood are fake and pretentious. Are they right into saying that? 

I’m starting to fear that they might be right… and it doesn’t irritate me this time. Even Leonardi di Caprio won’t be able to help me, I come to realize. No one has accused me of this just yet, but I’m starting to suspect that I’m irritated with perfectionism because I’m so imperfect myself. Let’s be real, how could I possibly get irritated with a dripping tap or an adorable dog? It’s absurd, no wonder people think I’m irritable. What’s with the negativity lady, get a grip! I’m going to change things around. My boyfriend was pretty irritating though and my housemate plain annoying, but that’s where it’ll stop. I won’t let anything else get to me anymore and will force myself to enjoy things. Squeaky doors make my house authentic, dripping taps teach me how to fix things, and my noisy fridge will be like music to my ears. I’m gonna make jokes at work functions, laugh at Christmas dinners, and pretend to find infants cute at baby showers. I will be nicer to my friends and complement people more often. I’m even gonna have to tell Leo that the romance is… not because he wasn’t great to me, but because I have to take this journey on my own. It’ll be great, everything is great, from now on.